Internalized Racism: The Oddity
Internalized Racism is one hell of a drug and it’s not even fun.
Young mixed-black girl. Light skin. Odd name. Among her peers and others hears on the daily:
“Key-ok-a-doke!”
“You orientals are supposed to be quiet.”
“You act white.”
“Oreo.”
Which usually meant she was alone.
An oddity.
Few understood.
Awkward adolescence amplified.
A childhood only understood through the lens of cartoons. Reminiscent of Foster’s Home of imaginary friends. In a state of loss and wandering but what was any of this supposed to mean? Am I imaginary? How else do I explain how I’m treated?
Living as an Oddity
For me internalized racism has been with me for longer than I thought. Now that I think about it as a kid I honestly didn’t want to be black. I wasn’t treated as such by my school friends either. I was always being asked why did I act white? (Me being polite and soft-spoken apparently translated to acting white. Or being called an oreo. Plus it didn’t help that I have a lighter skin color.)
“You’re mixed with Japanese. No wonder you’re so pretty!”
Graphic by Kami X
What has led me to believe that I’m not fully Black is purely due to my aesthetic and name. I’ve never fit the mold of what a traditional Black woman is ‘supposed’ to look like. This is in reference to the whole dark skin, big lips, big hips, chest, etc. Voluptuous in all its capacity. I don’t fit that description at all neither do many other Black women who have their own unique traits. I along with others did not fit the standard of what a real Black woman is supposed to look like. Not fitting into the mold had its complications for me. I treated others the same as me except I lived life as an awkward kid no one really liked. I even remember one time when I commented on something in class in high school and a white girl outright said: “No one cares or asked what you think. Just sit down.” I’m used to being extremely stressed out around a lot of people. Even now they continue to stress me out.
The rest of the class enforced stereotypical ‘race’ traits so that students were made to be either Asian or Black. This left me excluded and alone mostly. I experienced this in different ways, for one writing articles for the yearbook. Many of my pieces were pushed aside and only one made it into the final edition. They mislabeled me as another girl on the soccer team, and despite all my work, I was not listed as staff in the yearbook photos. In short, high school was a bitch for me. A feeling that many share with me. A yearbook is meant to be an important memory to cherish, but these experiences ruined that for me. I no longer hold on or have that yearbook.
The Origins Of The Oddity
My formative childhood began in a black Christian school where I lowkey was put on a pedestal (at least it felt that way.) for being light-skinned and skinny. Along with harassment due for the name that I have Keiyoko. Yes, (insert an Asian stereotype here about how im supposed to be quiet and not energetic like one of the ‘oriental’ girls) or someone purposely messing up my name because it wasn’t ‘black’. Example: Ke-O-a-DOKE. Growing up with these racially isolating experiences hurt me. It just took me longer to understand how and where it impacted me in my life.
If we’re being really honest about where my internalized racist tendencies come from it’s definitely from the shit I experienced in Foster care. Particularly with my second and third ‘mothers’. One set up how I viewed myself as a person, the other enforced the ideas. Preface: second mom is Black. So she didn’t really understand the whole me being part Asian thing unless it was used as an insult or a way to control me and how I behaved. The best example I can give of this was the fact that when I was young I liked to walk around with an umbrella or play with one. She would tell me that it wasn't normal. Which I get to an extent but you mind not bringing the whole Asian stereotype of only they do it to protect their skin and state:
“Why aren’t you quite like the oriental girls.”
Is my skin not worth protecting?
Have you not realized my REAL name is Keiyoko?
Please don’t discredit one part of myself because I don’t fit the other.
Accept me as me, a part of both instead of excluded from both.
I remember getting picked on for having an Asian name, and my appearance being less than the stereotypical ideal for a Black woman. Society made me feel othered in physical and internal ways. Sure my name might be hard to pronounce but let me stop you right there. There is no way in hell will I ever change my name. I am proud as fuck of being Back and Japanese. even though it’s brought me some weird-ass comments that either fetishize me or belittle my existence. I still have pride in existing as I am, and being a part of both worlds.
Now, my third foster mom in simple terms was an asshole. Her life as a white woman with lots of dogs meant her world experiences were limited. Having a foster kid like me became a challenge to her world ideals, whether she accepted me or not. She used to antagonize me a lot. by saying, poor little black girl. And “You walk out that door you’ll be like other black people in jail.” Who says that to a kid? Why would anyone be a foster mom with ideas like that, and raise a kid? Like seriously no foster kid needs to deal with this kind of shit. Foster care is hard enough.
Empowering my life as an “Oddity”
Internalized racism has taught me that I have to question where these values come from. These values of how Black and Asians are supposed to be presented are nonsense. People are people no matter how complicated. No one is supposed to fit in a mold. People should be allowed to enjoy whatever it is they like no matter what their race is. It should not be a contributing factor. Foster kids especially should be allowed to express themselves in a healthy way without having unsavory opinions forced upon them. Life for them is already difficult enough in its own right. When navigating cultural and ethnic heritage I feel that all sides involved should be respected.
No specific race or ethnicity is ‘inferior’ or ‘superior’. People should not have to be told they only look pretty or have talents that only one race/ethnicity is better at because they have “x” racial/ethnicity within them. To destroy internalized racism has to start with the root of the problem which is believing that people of different races and ethnicities are meant to be pigeonholed into specific mindsets, values, looks, etc.
Terms Used in this Article:
The learned acceptance, by a marginalized race, of the societal stereotypes about themselves.
Additional Reading that inspired my thoughts:
What is Internalized Racism by Donna Bivens
What Is the Definition of Internalized Racism? by Nadra Kareem Nittle
