Surviving the Right
Growing up in the 90s meant I was part of the first wave of kids with internet access. Although I have a lot of nostalgia for Neopets, Geocities, and Angelfire websites, being a teenager in the aughts was a different situation entirely. I do not offer this account as an excuse for previous behavior, but rather an example of how easy it is to warp your sense of self. I only mention my age to form a timeline, not to excuse what I was doing.
I was your typical geeky kid who spent most of their free time reading manga and playing video games, and my interests continued to expand as I got into cosplay and alternative fashion. On top of having niche interests, I had recently moved across the country and had few friends because of that. Websites with active forums like Gaia Online and LiveJournal appealed to me because I was able to find others with similar interests, and before I knew it, I was spending hours a day replying to comments and expanding my online friend group.
As time went on, I found myself hidden underneath the looming shadow of 4chan. Although nowadays it has become a more recognisable name due to their far-right forums, video game leaks, and hacking groups, in the mid-00s it was relatively unknown. A place, unmoderated, where people went to tap into a ravenous hoard of trolls.
At this point, I was 13 years old and made most of my middle school friends through video game and lolita fashion forums. Many of those friends spent time on 4chan alongside the websites I frequented. For some of them, the indoctrination began there. I discovered photos of the people I met online doing Nazi salutes on other platforms. The N-slur and F-slur was commonplace in every conversation, and any disagreement subjected me to racial gaslighting. Slowly, I started to believe that I was being too sensitive. I found racist memes about Asians humorous as a means to cope with my reality. My discomfort was a problem that I could only address by excusing their racism.
In an attempt to assimilate with my all-white friend group in a politically conservative area, I found myself echoing a lot of the rhetoric I now denounce. It was an awful time in my life, filled with peer pressure, abuse of all kinds, and a sinking feeling. I had to push down my own cultural upbringing to survive.
At 15, I learned just how vicious the anonymous harassment could be when I angered the wrong person and found my photos and personal information on 4chan. I was inundated with messages from anonymous accounts calling me racial slurs, debating my gender, and mocking my appearance. This was the beginning of my wake-up call. It did not matter how willing I was to excuse racist rhetoric; in the end I was seeking acceptance from people who would never allow it.
In high school, I found myself socializing with groups of people from various backgrounds. I had incredibly patient teachers and friends who made it their mission to pull me out of what I thought was normal. They revealed my experience to be what it truly was: the beginnings of right-wing indoctrination. It took years of self-reflection before I started to feel confident in my ability to be critical — to not only be better but to make sure others DO better as a result.
I was being held accountable, and making new friends who did not feel the need to mock me or hold bigoted viewpoints. My friend group was diversifying and thriving, and at 19, I finally walked away from the group of people who were responsible for most of my emotional strain. After six years of my life I started to feel like myself again as I explored my sexuality, gender, and cultural upbringing. By pursuing a career path dedicated to fighting injustice, I am able to constantly grow, learn, and better myself.
4chan’s role in the alternative fashion community continues to loom over every discussion, a worrisome indicator of how closely tied our communities are. It is still commonplace to hear someone say that they seek out 4chan for resources and uncensored criticism. Regardless of whatever merits people claim for it to have, it is a fact that just briefly visiting the website exposes a reader to hundreds of hateful comments, further normalizing those beliefs as being acceptable in the community. 4chan (and its many offshoots and related communities) continues to play a part in right-wing indoctrination, and this close relationship with the alternative fashion community is a worrisome indicator of just how easily someone can be exposed to bigoted ideology.
For those of you who found yourself in a similar situation: no one is infallible, but that doesn’t prevent you from fighting bigotry in all of its forms. Holding ourselves accountable for our past deeds, demanding accountability from others going forward, and divesting our communities from dangerous discriminatory rhetoric is a MUST if we want to ensure our communities continue to thrive as they move towards better inclusivity.
“For those of you who found yourself in a similar situation: no one is infallible, but that doesn’t prevent you from fighting bigotry in all of its forms.”
The exciting part of this is that now, in my 30s, I have a “before and after” picture of my progress that I can look back on. Nothing is more motivating than seeing how far you’ve come. I encourage you to join me on this journey, so that you too can look back and see your progress. The road ahead of us is long, but you don’t have to walk it alone.
